The title describes me quite well. I’m Miss Crazy and there are days where that is truer than others. I am trying to navigate what feels like a racecourse that is called life.
I struggle to be who God called me to be, who He has designed me to be. Recently I saw video from Craig Groeschel dealing with purity in marriage. It got me thinking about the struggles in my life.
My marriage is a mess and has been for longer than my husband and I have been married. We brought baggage into our relationship and threw out God’s design for a relationship while trying, at least for awhile, to have God in our relationship. The baggage is where the mess is. It’s where the crazy comes from.
As I’ve mentioned before, I struggle. I struggle with doing the right thing and fleeing the bad things. The baggage contains so many things that bring dishonor to God, yet I cling to many of those very things. Some I avoid because I want to make sure I don’t do unto others what negative was done to me. Others I struggle with in silence, in secret. Only, I know, none of it is secret as God knows what I am doing even before I do it.
The battle between doing what I know is right and what I know is destructive to my overall mental and spiritual health has me in a crazy cycle. It is in part why I’m Miss Crazy some of the time. As I write this, I know I need help to get through the battle. I need help dealing with the baggage. I need to let God lead as only a true ruler can. And, I need to put up safeguards to help me in the battle on the days when I am weak.
I know that the struggle I have with following God whole-heartedly requires that I have people in my life that I can be accountable to and can also mentor me in my walk. My one issue with this is finding those people. Being a shy introvert does not help me. Being clueless as to where to look for such people or who to ask doesn’t help me either. Soon, hopefully, I will have those people in place. People God will put in my life to help me be accountable to Him, to help me grow in my walk, help me stay pure, to help me heal and get better.
The racecourse called life has many twists and turns. Some are gentle and can be taken in stride. Others are sharp, weaving back and forth like a switchback on a mountain road. How are we handling the race course? Are we letting God drive it, allowing Him to use the safeguards He’s provided? Or are we half-ignoring God only to realize that we need help from Him as well as from our fellow man who is also trying to follow God?